The Body Love Series: A Letter to My 17-Year-Old Self – Thank You For Allowing Me to Do Fashion My Way

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When I was in high school, I landed a teenage-dream-job as a receptionist for a large photography studio for the summer. It was something out of a teen movie about the girl who finds herself having the most amazing luck possible, where she squeals with glee on the phone with her girlfriends and says “pinch me!” a lot. I still remember trying to be utterly cool my first week on the job when the reception area was filled with gorgeous male models there for a casting call. I had to speak because I needed to answer the phone but inside I was dying and I am sure my face was beet red. How exactly did I land this dream job anyway? (Later, I asked my boss what made her hire me…her reply,”Oh, nothing really.  You were the only one who showed up and was kind of normal. Everyone else was weird.”  I have mad skills.)

I was asked to fill in for a model who didn’t show up one day. Umm, ok. What do I get to wear?  Remember those aerobic outfits from the 80’s?  Where you wore your underwear over your bodysuit?  Ya, that.  On a treadmill. Fake jogging. And my head would be cut off.  I made tons of hilarious faces to crack up the photographer…only to learn later, when the entire editing room was howling, that edits happen AFTER the shoot. This little taste of modelling had me intrigued. I did another shoot for the studio this time in a one-piece track suit. (Sensing an 80’s fitness theme…)  I think I made $50. Don’t say the 80’s never gave us anything. I still have the photo. I may show it to you one day…

After this summer of intrigue, I tried to get into modelling. At 5’10.5″, I weighed about 130 lbs and was very healthy and athletic. At the first agency I visited, after meeting me for all of 5 minutes, the agent told me to stand on a giant scale in the middle of the crowded waiting room.  He then told me I was too fat. I was then scolded for having a cranberry muffin as a snack – funny the things one remembers years later. As the agent wagged his finger in my face scolding me for my body, scolding me for what I had eaten, scolding me for being me, I felt my body tighten and everything inside me scream,”This energy is NOT right.”  I said nothing. He told me to return the next week for a regular weigh-in and to start dieting.  And absolutely no more snacks or cranberry muffins. I stared at him and said nothing. I left. As I walked confused and fuming to the subway, I vowed never to go back. I realized probably ever other girl in that waiting room would be there for the weigh-in the following week…

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I was mad at myself for having let someone speak to me that way.

I was mad at myself for having stood on that scale.

  I was mad at myself for letting him wave his finger in my face.

  I was mad at myself for letting him tell me that my healthy way of living was wrong.

I visited another agency.  I was told again to lose weight. I was told my lips were much too small for my face – but that I could come back and take really expensive courses. As I stared at the agent still talking,  I decided then and there modelling wasn’t for me. I left again.

I went off to university not giving modelling another thought.  Several years later after finishing my degree, I was walking through The Toronto Eaton Centre with my sister. By then I was about a straight size 14. A modelling scout stopped me.  She asked me if I had ever considered becoming a model.  Most girls would have been ecstatic. I completely rebuffed her. My response went something like this,” I know how this works. You want me to lose a ton of weight. I am not interested.”  To which she responded,”Have you ever heard of plus-size modelling?  You don’t have to lose a pound. You are perfect the way you are.”  When I heard that, I was intrigued and started asking a ton of questions.  When I realized I could make a go of this career and be true to me, to my body, she had my full attention. The plus-size modelling industry was so new I hadn’t heard of it. But all of a sudden, going forward with my dream of modelling felt authentic. Or how I always like to tell young girls when we speak of body image, the feeling in my head, my heart and my stomach felt right – my intuition was giving me the go-ahead.

I look back all these years later – almost 25 – to a life and career that has been so fulfilling, to adventures in countries around the world, to having met countless incredible creative people and companies.  I look back to countless conversations with girls and teens about body image and media literacy – many times with their moms and dads joining in. I look back to being the Director of a modelling agency I was proud of that represented women of all backgrounds, heights, shapes, sizes and abilities that went completely out of the box creating countless opportunities that didn’t exist before.  I look to TV work showcasing that everybody and every BODY is beautiful and should be represented in fashion. And most importantly, I look back to the last few years of my health journey and developing the ultimate in body love from one of the biggest lessons in my life.

And… I just want to thank my teenage self for walking away from what didn’t feel right and making this all possible.  If I could right now speak with my 17-year-old self, I would tell her this:

Dear 17-Year-Old Me,

Do not for one second beat yourself up over stepping on that scale.  For going out there and exploring something new. You walked away with your head high and determination in your heart and soul. What you see as a moment of weakness right now, of anger for being talked down to, will define your life, will propel you further into knowing what you want and what you don’t. What is right. What is wrong.

Those few minutes on that scale will give you a lifetime of speaking with young girls and building them up so they will stand up when they need to stand up and walk away with no regrets when they need to walk away. You have a strength and determination that will only continue to grow. Do not curse yourself for your silence, applaud yourself for your strong will. Know that doing what feels right in your mind, heart and soul in this very moment will have a ripple effect throughout your life and lead you to much happiness. More than anything, know that in the future, you will rock fashion on YOUR terms and it will turn out incredibly well. Keep being true to you. You are doing an amazing job. 

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 

I love you fiercely.

Admire you greatly.

All my love,

Your Future Self xo

I keep saying we need to love ourselves through time and I sometimes get a puzzled look.  But we do. All our decisions help form our lives, our happiness. Every act is a ripple in some way. Applaud yourself for all the positivity you have created and forgive yourself for anything you need to release. Happy all these years later after stepping on that scale and not going back, to be having this Body Love Conversation with you right now. What a beautiful perk from a “small” decision in my life.

So I Did A TEDx Talk…

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I love TED and TEDx talks. Ever since I first discovered them I was hooked and in the back on my mind I thought,”I want to do one of those one day.” I’ve been able to see people I admire speak about their lives and experiences or been introduced to individuals I had never heard of before but after their talks had me madly Googling them to find out more.The first one I viewed will always resonate with me and I have watched it countless times – Aimee Mullins: It’s not fair having 12 pairs of legs.  Aimee is so incredible on so many levels and I love speaking of her, sharing her images and her point of view with children when we talk about body image and self-esteem. Amanda Palmer: The Art of Asking is so brilliantly delivered that it upped the game for every presentation I saw after. I was completely smitten by Ron Finely’s A Guerilla Gardener in South Central LA talk. Have watched it numerous times and it is powerful yet amusing. You have to catch Brene Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability. And one that deeply touched my soul and had me tearing up was Monica Lewinsky: The price of shame.  Incredible. I tried to hug her through the computer.

I put it out to the universe that I wanted to do a TEDx talk by the end of 2015…and then I got an email in February…asking me to do a TEDx talk. I almost fell off my chair.  (I need to keep manifesting!) I was invited by Craig Zimmer, an incredible teacher,  who has been sharing his passion for TED talks with his students, school – and the entire school board –  through the TEDxStMaryCSS event and the TEDEdClub. I love that he is encouraging the next generation to speak up with confidence! I figured I had until June 5, the date of the event, to get my body and brain working better together while healing from gluten ataxia.  Lots of time I thought.  After many revisions, I decided to entitle my talk An Exploration of Identity and take the audience through the journey I had been on that had opened my eyes to so many lessons. I thought I was doing well as the date was approaching…even if my walking was still not up to par, my brain seemed to be working better. I just needed my brain and my mouth to work on that stage for less than 2o minutes and all would be fine.

However, the more I spoke aloud and practiced, the more scrambled my brain got. My brain is still building up its motor skills and connections and speaking was taking me down. Leading up to the talk, I was slurring my words, stuttering, flipping words in sentences and was unable to remember anything that was not in chronological order.  My head hurt in a way it had never hurt before – not a headache….like someone who was injuring herself by repeating an action.  I was sobbing in my friend Shelli’s arms in my kitchen 2 days before my talk. Not only did I not think I would physically be able to do it, I questioned if I would ever be able to give a talk or work on TV ever again.  I explained to my friend that it felt like a runner trying to complete a marathon on a broken leg in a cast – could it be possible? Yes. Would it lead to long term injury? Probably. Would it be a very good idea? No. It must be noted that Shelli is a complete and utter rock star and has literally hugged my soul daily throughout this journey.

With fellow TEDx speakers Ashley Rose & Simone Denny.

With fellow TEDx speakers Ashley Rose & Simone Denny.

I asked if I could speak at the event first and meticulously planned what I ate that morning and when, when I meditated and drove there in silence. Eating with precise timing helped stave off severe blood sugar issues which would also lead to severe brain fog, stuttering and slurring. Knowing I could speak first meant I knew my food would help keep my brain operating and I would not have to worry about how the day’s timing unfolded. I wouldn’t have to worry about how much I spoke with others or how much I walked because both would take up a lot of energy needed for the talk. I did anything and everything to calm down my brain. And I made the executive decision to eliminate all slides. It may sound simple to talk while clicking the remote in order to pull up a few pictures but for me that seemed the equivalent of running backwards while patting my head and rubbing my belly while trying to tell a joke. I asked if I could put up a few bullet points on the prompter instead. I could. I exhaled. Salvation.

I am really proud of my TEDx talk – for standing up there and simply speaking. I climbed a mountain to get there and presenting it was a sweet-as-all-hell gift. It didn’t matter to me if I was standing or sitting – I just wanted to speak. I literally spent all summer after that looking into getting a scooter wheelchair because I just kept getting utterly exhausted – and I realized that being able to speak meant more to me than walking everywhere.  Every day became a day of bartering with my motor skills. Ok, you want to use this motor skill?  You’ve got to give up these ones for the rest of the day. You want to use several motor skills today?  You will need to nap for the rest of the week… I wanted my energy….to speak…to be me…to express myself to the world, share my thoughts and ideas – and I did not care anymore if I was standing or sitting. Where once I was completely gutted by the thought of sitting in a scooter, I started to get really excited. I could feel the wind whipping through my hair on the path by the beach and pictured myself buzzing around airports going places. I looked up rentals at The Louvre and figured I would have an advantage and actually see way more incredible art on a scooter! THAT got me really excited. And I was introduced to the magic of an electric bike which further opened up my world of possibilities. If it could conserve my energy to be able to speak and communicate and socialize more, and enjoy more moments,  it would be worth it to sit more often.  I realized even more so how much I truly loved and valued my brain and the thoughts in it and the expression my lips could convey to the world.

What a hell of a way to truly know body love and to appreciate every single day on this planet!  I continuously tweak my “health homework” and made some more health changes at the end of the summer that have helped turn my energy levels around.  Every day has been a gift in more mobility, increased energy, better brain function and creativity. I know healing will be an ongoing process for quite some time but I am overjoyed with the changes and revel in walking a little longer as each month passes. I am so beyond honoured to have been able to present this talk and now know that my desire to get out there and do more talks is possible. Bring. It. On. Thanks so much for taking the time to watch my TEDx talk. Every view means more to me than I could ever convey. And please…

Stop being so hard on yourself.

Love yourself more.

Hug your soul more.

Tell your body it is amazing regularly.

Stare at your body parts in wonder.

Stop stepping on a scale every day.

Don’t worry about what size you are.

Thank your body for its magnificence.

Know that you are ridiculously amazing throughout all time and space.

You are utterly perfect – never forget it.

Liis xo

 

 

 

 

 

Pay Attention to the Little Heath Things…They Are Never Little

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I had a few big smiles this week. From little things. Little things that are big things. Like so many people, I didn’t realize how many parts of me were falling apart and leading to bigger health issues – and they are all “little things” I hear so many people comment upon weekly.

Before I got diagnosed with Hashimoto’s in 2011 and really started to revamp my health, “health things” would crop up but because they are so commonplace in our everyday culture, language and acceptance, I chalked them up to what gets added to your body’s health pile as you get older. But now I realize that uhh….hell to the no….this isn’t supposed to happen! Grey hair? Yes.  Wrinkles and laugh lines? Sure. A multitude of everyday problems? NO!

This week I wore earrings twice. Big deal you’re thinking. It actually is a very big deal. All my friends know me as an accessory addict – I love jewellery.  But I had got to a point that my ears would be on fire from wearing earrings for even a few minutes – didn’t matter what they were made of. When I had to wear some for modelling shoots, I would grin and bear it and rip them off as soon as possible.  So I haven’t worn earrings for years.

My body has been on high alert for so many years and it is just now starting to calm down. All the goodness I have been fueling it with by eating gluten-free and Paleo, taking the right supplements for my body, changing my household and beauty products to healthier versions is paying off.  Thinking about stressors in my life and keeping them to a minimum is making a difference – this covers everything from work to my social life to how I talk and think, making sure to meditate daily, getting enough sleep. I liken my body to a frightened cat thrown into freezing water that needs a loving, calm hand to pet it to calm it down, hug and cuddle it – let it know its safe.  My body is now realizing it is safe and in good hands.

So, aside from the multitude (the list is HUGE) of improvements from addressing Hashimoto’s, Endometriosis and Gluten Ataxia, here are some “little things” that have changed in my world that used to occur frequently and I had, like many of you perhaps, accepted as my daily norm. They are all now gone.

Seasonal Allergies – I used to be a mess every spring – stuffy nose, head and face aches, fogginess, overall feeling like crap.

Pet Allergies – I literally did not touch anyone’s pets for years and if I did and then touched my face, I would feel awful for days. Or, I would pet a dog and then have to immediately wash my hands. Having an adorable cat nuzzle my face or sit in my lap?  Forget it!

Reaction to Jewellery – My skin started to react to everything. I remember wearing a necklace in 2011 and having the imprint seared to my skin for a week (and it wasn’t a cheap one!) Earrings would cause my ears to turn beet red and I could never wear them for more than half an hour before having to rip them off.

Acid Reflux – I started taking antacids regularly – several times per week. I started to make up rules like “no orange juice past 4:00” or “no salsa around dinnertime” as it would literally keep me up all night with acid burning my throat. It could leave me coughing for days from the burning. I literally started to make “acid rules.” How crazy is that?

Constant Colds – I think it’s easier to say I was a walking cold versus trying to tell you how many I had in a year.  Before 2011, I remember being sick all the time – colds lingered for months. I would joke that I had wet lung because I literally would have a constant wheezing cough. Looking back, it really wasn’t something to joke about.  I have had the sniffles for exactly 2 days since 2011 and no colds, no flu.

Runny Nose – Growing up, I would joke with my family because I never had a runny or stuffy nose. I rarely needed tissue and would never bring any with me as I watched others stuff their pockets with them to have handy. As I got diagnosed, I realized my wastebaskets were constantly full of tissues and the amount had steadily increased over the years.  I was literally blowing my nose all the time. I was a snotty disaster. No more.

Frequent Weather Headaches – Any time there would be a big build-up to a thunderstorm, I would get blinding headaches – in-bed-in-the-dark-don’t-talk-to-anyone-eyes-welded-shut-I-am-going-to-vomit headaches. I would happily await a downpour as I knew this would help bring relief. I coined them “barometric pressure headaches.” I literally wanted someone to create a barometric pressure chamber to relieve me of the pain. I know so many people who have weather related headaches. Upon going gluten-free in 2011, my weather headaches vanished. Never had one since.

Anything sound familiar?  Anything sound like something you have accepted as part of your everyday life? I have realized something really important in my health journey…

An accepted norm doesn’t mean something is normal.

No more letting “little things” add up. Little things are always big things. Our bodies give us a million and one warning signs when they need help. It’s amazing but we pay more attention to blinking lights on our car dashboards alerting us to maintenance issues than similar warnings given to us by our bodies.  We get our cars into service shops as soon as possible so they don’t break down! Hmm….

Happy for the health homework that has brought me to today and for the tweaks that continue to improve my life.  Here is to cuddling with cute pets…in the spring…while wearing earrings, during bad weather – but not while eating salsa – that would be kinda awkward….and a little gross and probably messy…

Freedom On Two Wheels – And Another Aha Moment Too…

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Every time I think my major life lessons are over another one hits me upside the head and says,”See?  You still have some major awesome stuff to learn!” I sit in the new energy often through lingering vibes of pissed-offedness (because some of my biggest breakthroughs seem to come through while feeling like utter crap) mixed with the sheer and utter gratefulness of another major “aha moment.”  I usually smile and sit in silent wonder thinking how the latest breakthrough has made a major impact on my being – and by being I mean my soul as a being and my everyday way of being –  how I will now go forward on this planet with my new knowledge every day until the day I move on over to the other side. Then I start grinning a lot. The grinning part is so much more fun than the frustrated part…

There is a quote by Pema Chodron that I discovered a few years back which has guided me and cradled me in some confusing and frustrating and painful times.  Every time I get cocky thinking my health journey is over…

I’ve got this!

I’m a rock star!

I am on fire!

Buh-bye autoimmunity!

…and do a little too much and am zapped – either can’t walk properly, start slurring my words, my brain shuts down, can’t leave the house, can’t be social, or all of the above and then some, or have an experience that teaches me even more appreciation and gratitude, I reflect on this quote and ponder what my latest lesson has taught me – how it’s made me a better person, how the ripple effect of the lesson will reach into the rest of my life and how my changed perception will in turn trickle out to others.

Ready?

Good right? I know. Sit with it. I’ll wait.

These words of wisdom hit me yet again about a month ago.  I had the honour of meeting a new friend who was house sitting next door. Jayne is sweet and vibrant and owns a sassy new seafoam green Pedego electric bike perfectly matching her bubbly personality. What I didn’t realize at first is that she also has mobility issues.  Or that her bike had opened up a new world of freedom for her. She looked so sporty in her bike helmet. She looked so happy showing off Sedna – that’s the bike’s name FYI – formally known as Sedna Seafoam. ( A bike with this much mojo has to be named after a goddess)

She offered me a turn on her bike several times and I politely kept putting it off. Deep down I realized there was no way I could pedal a bike and make it around the block without losing all energy. Then one day the universe intervened – the bike had a flat and I offered to help her take it in my car to get fixed. As we stood with the newly repaired bike in the parking lot, she said with a twinkle in her eye,”You really should take it for a short spin to try it out.”  Sooo…I got on…and had no idea how much the electricity could carry me. I was in shock. And awe. And I burst out crying from happiness. In a few moments, I felt a multitude of possibilities open up.

I took the bike out for a spin the next day.  Just putting on the bike helmet was thrilling. This simple act made me feel active.  I used the throttle mostly so I didn’t have to pedal much and made sure not to stay out too long because I really had no idea how much energy I would need. I hit the path along the lake I used to walk along several days a week for years. I would always do a loop hitting a magical little pocket in the heart of the city surrounded by glimmering water. It felt like being in cottage country without the massive tax bill. It was always heaven – like finding treasure right in your backyard.

As I passed a particular point on the beach, a wave of revelation hit me. I realized I had not been able to walk past this spot since…2011.  Five years. Five years of feeling like a dog tethered to a very short leash.  My body and brain had allowed a limit of up to a thirty minute walk on a good day. And every time I tried to reach a further destination, or walk a little longer, I was always yanked back. But not this day.  This day I had wheels. And no leash.

I circled pathways ten times over that I haven’t been able to visit in years. I marvelled at the beauty of the boats in the marina. I looked at the city skyline framed by the sun and lake. I passed one guy fishing and by the sixth go-round, he was staring at me with amusement. By the tenth pass I think he thought I was spying on him – or about to steal his fish. I freaked out picnickers as I circled them numerous times and could see the “You again?!” looks on the faces of joggers.  And I looked really rather goofy with the biggest grin plastered to my face (and err….ate some bugs too). It was a giant can of awesome.

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Emotions and a multitude of thoughts bombarded me along the way…

And I realized several things on a deep soul level I needed to know…

Freedom of movement makes you feel empowered and alive.

 

The importance of actions revealing what is in your soul – feeling athletic, looking athletic. Even if I wasn’t really pedalling, my soul was pedalling. 

 

 

Being perceived as the active person you know yourself to be.

 

 

The importance of feeling the wind kissing your face, sunshine beaming down on you and inhaling fresh air.

 

The need to feel like we belong and not being cut off from the world. Smiling at toddlers on their killer trikes navigating the bike path. Happily making eye contact with a lovely older gentleman who tips his hat as you bike past.  Watching a family bent on a picnic day try to ignite their little barbecue – ten times over.

 

More freedom.

 

Feeling like YOU. The active YOU that has got stuck for some time. The YOU you want to world to know.  The REAL YOU.

 

My mind exploded with ideas.  In less than half an hour, I realized I could travel the world if my body couldn’t carry me long or far enough. I could visit the streets of Amsterdam and see the beautiful canals again, explore back roads of small towns, go around the lake every single day. I could buy bikes for those in need in the future –  opening up pathways of freedom the same way I have got to experience. All the visions in my head were of smiling faces – freedom mixed with sheer joy. In thirty minutes, my entire world opened up to new possibilities – simply by riding a bike.

Yesterday I picked up Sedna and have the honour of hanging out with her for a whole two weeks. I could pinch myself. Ok, I did pinch myself!  And after making some more health changes over the last few weeks, I am so excited to have more energy.  I am so jazzed to see if I can pedal a bit more! But more than anything, I am so grateful for another major “aha” moment I wouldn’t have had in perfect health. To have hit an even deeper level of gratitude.  To have a lesson in joy and aim to bring that joy to others in whatever way I can going forward. To let my joy settle in my soul. I am so honoured to have been able to experience a multitude of lessons that were revealed to me in a beautiful bike named Sedna.

And now I am going for another spin…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Good Ole Cry Is Healthy For the Mind, Body & Soul

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Remember when you were a kid and you would finish bawling your eyes out and your mom or dad would tenderly say,”All done now?  Feel better?”  You would whimper, shake your head up and down to say YES, suck back a few last gulps of air, wipe the snot off your face and a big, loving, parental hand would wipe the tears from your face. Maybe you were overtired. Maybe you were frustrated. Maybe your were disappointed. Maybe you were sad. Maybe you were overwhelmed. Maybe you were mad. Maybe you had no idea what was wrong but your tears sparked a conversation getting to the root of the matter. This wasn’t an Oscar worthy performance to get your way with something. This was a genuine expression of emotion. And that genuine expression of emotion was valued, honoured and respected by your parent.

So when did it become so CRAZY and WEIRD and WRONG to bawl your eyes out once in a while?  To release emotions and physical overload your mind, body and soul needs to set free to the universe?  To release whatever your body needs to release so it doesn’t settle into your cells, into your mitochondria and cause future states of dis-ease and blockages?  (Don’t get me wrong – if you are bawling daily, you need to get yourself to a loving healthcare provider that can get to the root of your dis-ease – you deserve big smiles daily!)

I’ve had an interesting journey with crying over the last few years. I knew it wasn’t from being depressed, moody, sad or from hormonal changes with Hashimoto’s. When I had tried to get through a Pilates class and do certain moves, I would start crying – partly from frustration but the majority of it was a natural response. When I would try to lift my limbs in certain ways that were impossible, I would involuntarily start to cry. It wasn’t until I was in physiotherapy with the incredible team at Neuro-fit Systems for my gluten ataxia that I put the why-the-heck-am-I-crying-again pieces together. My body was in sensory overload and my personal reaction when it got pushed to its limits was to burst out crying. It’s kind of like pouring liquid into a full glass – the contents have to go somewhere so they spill over. My spillover automatic reflex was to start crying. For others it may have been a temper tantrum, aggression, acting out, walking away completely from the stimulus. My body needed to release emotion, needed to release pressure somehow and it chose crying. Just tilting my head back on certain days was shocking to my system – and I bawled.  My amazing physiotherapists helped me work through this and the reaction continued to lessen. But here is the thing:  I always felt better after. My body instinctively knew what it was doing. It loosened my system to help accept the new action, massaged and softened the response from my panicking nervous system. It helped my body by saying,”This is going to be difficult but we’re going to throw in a tool to make it easier.”

As I keep lovingly pushing my body to increasing levels of ability, I don’t flinch if I start to cry. And outside of that, I now welcome a good ole cry every once in a while. And not because it is an involuntary response, but because my soul needs to purge, to throw it all down on the table. To get it out there for examination. For reflection. Because my massive levels of frustration over the last few years justifies the release. Because it makes me a better person. Makes me stronger. Happier. More vibrant. It’s something natural, instinctual that society has quashed once we left childhood – especially in males. I look forward to sharing my life with a man that isn’t embarrassed to cry once in a while, that sees the benefits in this release – and sees no shame. For there should be no shame in crying for anyone.

Think about the value in crying, when someone is in mourning, what are the comments ofter heard? When someone delays their grief, doesn’t shed a tear, what do people often say?

You should cry. It’s good for you to let it all out.

I’m here for you. You can cry on my shoulder any time day or night.

Just let it out. You need to let it out.

Poor thing, she is only delaying the grieving process. This will catch up with her eventually.

She didn’t cry at all. I am really worried about her.

I have an empowering a-couple-of-times-a-year cry dialogue with a friend. The scenario could flip and be either one of us depending on the month or the year. It goes something like this:

I went to the lake today and just bawled. Left it all there. Felt great after. Lighter. Better. More refreshed.

Oh! Good for you! Wish I could have a good bawlfest right around now. I really need one.

I hope you do. It felt great. My brain is clear. My soul is clear. It opened up more room.

I am so jealous right now.

Don’t worry, when you need to bawl, you will.

What did you do after?

I went home and was so inspired and wrote all afternoon, jotted down tons of notes for a new project, reorganized my office, went to a yoga class, connected with an incredible new business contact and ….

Would you think it crazy, weird or wrong to get a much needed massage for your overworked body? Go to a yoga, Pilates or fitness class?  Treat your body well with a healthy meal or green smoothie?  Go to physiotherapy? Meditate to soothe your mind, body and soul? Go to a relaxing spa day? Spend a quiet day with an inspiring book? A good cry every once in a while is just as healthy as any of these options. Let’s flip the switch on how we look at this gift from our bodies.  Let’s see all the benefits it offers. Let’s honour animalistic traits that are a part of the human experience that have been suppressed when they should be viewed as natural – and necessary.

Welcome a good cry session every once in a while. Be thankful for the release.  Be thankful that your body is helping you out, keeping you on track, keeping you healthy. Embrace it and know there is nothing crazy, weird or wrong about it in any way.  It’s just a wonderful part of you.

 

 

 

 

How I Danced Around the World on My Birthday

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I have a birthday tradition I do every year on my special day: I throw down a mega long meditation-convo-thank-you-bonanza to the universe.  I say my “gratefuls” as I like to call them.  I put in my shopping order to the universe along the lines of,”Hey….do you think you could hook this up for me?” I have a good long chat with my peeps on the other side with no words used.  But his year I felt the urge to shake things up.

This year I decided to do one thing.

This year I decided to dance around the world.

Just dance.

There have been a few times over the last few years that I have had energy to dance, and when I did, I danced like a  mad woman.  Sometimes all I was capable of was a slight sway.  Sometimes all I could do was imagine it in my mind (and I danced like a mad woman).  So….I thought for my birthday, I wanted to dance around the world. I wanted to pick an action that exuded delirious happiness, being caught up in a moment, moving in sound without a care in the world.  Movement. What better order to the universe than envisioning myself fully energetically, nomadically dancing around the world?  What better announcement to say this is the healthy, happy future I see for myself than to simply dance?

I cranked up the tunes on my iPod,  and I…

danced under the fool moon on beaches around the world

danced at a street festival somewhere in Europe

danced around a bonfire at a cottage surrounded by friends

danced on a hot summer day at a BBQ in my fave maxi dress

danced at my fave Cali bar at sunset

danced on the streets of Amsterdam laughing my head off

danced in an outdoor club in Greece

danced in the car on a road trip with a friend

danced everywhere and anywhere

The list could go on for days – it’s amazing how many places around the world you can dance in an hour’s meditation! Oh, and I actually danced in the seated meditation pose. Yes, I did. And I could not care who was watching. If they came close enough, I would have asked them to join me.

I meditate quietly every day. But sometimes a girl just needs to dance. If you want a really simple way to put an order into the universe to say,”Hey, can you help me feel more like THIS?” Just. Dance.

44 Is Here: It’s My Magical Birthday!

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It’s my birthday tomorrow. The big 44. Power 4 to the 4. Bring it on 44. The number I dreamed about as a child. My fave number. As in 4+4=8=Infinity. My power year.  It’s also International No Diet Day.  I think it is positively delicious that this empowering day falls on my birthday every year and My Magical Birthday this May!  Lucky me!

I don’t know how it started…all I know is that on every sports team when I had a choice to pick a number, I would try to get 44. If it wasn’t available, I would try for 4, 8 or 16 – any version of 4-4 I could get my hands on. When something like a 17 or a 5 was available I wasn’t too thrilled. I’d grin and bear it all season while hoping and praying the next sport on my list would have a different set of number choices. Other girls would zero in on the colour of a shirt, I went for the number on it.

My entire life I have felt that my 44th year on this planet would be magical. I’d have everything in place – the perfect guy, the perfect career, house, you name it. My Magical Birthday would go down in Bora Bora or somewhere similar. A mystical astrologer even confirmed several years ago that my lifelong gut feeling that every aspect of my life would come into place in my 44th year. I left his place grinning.

I did not factor into my 44ness however,  several years of feeling like crap leading up to it. Or the amount of resources and frustration that would go into feeling better. Or the fact that walking, talking and simply being would become so difficult for so long. This was all not in The 44 Plan!

But I sit here today, one day before the Magical 44 Year begins, I am so energized, so grateful, so filled with love that my heart could burst. I never knew it was possible to sit in such sheer and utter gratitude. To be so happy. I am not in Bora Bora, not dating or married and my bathroom is being ripped apart in the room beside me and dust is everywhere. My house is a revamp disaster zone. And I am grinning. What gifts I have been given leading up to this day, this year, this new part of my life.  What magic exists in knowing, truly knowing, what is really important in life, what makes your heart soar, what makes your eyes sparkle and your soul wanna get up and dance.  What makes you sing at the top of your lungs in your car as amused drivers laugh beside you. That kind of happy.

Liis-on-Life-Magical-Birthday

I have had my old energy – the I-can-light-the-world-on-fire energy – this past month. My walking and everyday energy has been quite amazing for 30 days. Yesterday I had a quite a full day working with Inside the Dream, one of my fave organizations making change in the world and my system got taken to the limit from the activity.  And my walking and talking had moments of well, slightly wandering away. But I bounced back. And today I bounced back even more. There used to be no bounce back. I sit in gratitude for the bounce back. For when bounce back stretches into forever.

The past couple years leading up to My Magical Birthday, I went from envisioning where in the world I would be lavishly celebrating and with whom to simply wanting one thing:  Universe, please allow my brain to work. Please allow me to be creative again, be able to think and contribute to this planet. If my body won’t work, if I won’t be able to walk properly, if my arms will remain weak, please just allow my brain to work. Let it be connected to my heart and soul and be able tell stories, to be able to talk with people. To have meaningful experiences.  To make a difference even in some small way.

And today, my brain works. There is no better gift in the entire universe than having your brain work. To be able to think. Create. Brainstorm. Plot. Plan. Dream. Envision endless possibilities. Express who you really are.  Express who you want to be. Talk to the universe. THAT is truly magical. I don’t need to be in Bora Bora tomorrow to open up that gift!

Just so you know….I plan to rock The 44th (day,year, forever) like the ceiling can’t hold me , dance like everybody is watching because I don’t give a damn, and rock the hell out of getaways near and far.  I plan to sing loudly and most likely out of tune, smile and talk to strangers and go on adventures. And I will relish the act of thinking, creating and enjoying all the nuances of life I used to take for granted.  And I will walk and exercise because I can, not because I should or feel like I have to but because it is a thrill to have the privilege to do so.

Bring on the magic. Bring on the fun. Here’s to looking forward to birthdays the older we get and being excited to celebrate another year, to admire the laugh lines on our faces that means we have lived, loved and laughed. To appreciate the amazing gifts, abilities and qualities our bodies provide. Here is to having our cake and eating it too and celebrating International No Diet Day knowing our bodies are amazing works of art, masterpieces gradually lovingly receiving more beautiful touches of paint.  To living IN healthy and happy lifestyles not being ON diets we can fall off.

This is THE year.

The Magical Year.

The everything and anything is possible year.

Game on 44. Game on.

 

 

 

Why You’ll Never Hear Me Complain About Winter

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This winter rocked.

Shovelling was awesome.

Clearing off my car repeatedly was thrilling.

Chipping ice off my windows was fantastic.

Digging out my car tires was joy filled.

Repeatedly clearing my walk made me smile.

I am not sure if this winter had more snow than most, was colder than normal, or I was just more aware of the typical I-hate-winter comments that seem to be the norm every year. All I know, is that my body and brain allowed me to do everyday tasks that I am sure I used to moan and kvetch about year after year. I am now bowing out of that comment game forever.

For the first time in several years, I didn’t have to meticulously plan my energy for the week if I had to dig my car out. I didn’t have to think about how I would lift my arms to clear the roof off my car, pray for sun to melt the ice off the windows because I had zero strength to scrape them, I didn’t get completely nauseous and dizzy from five minutes of snow clearing, I didn’t have to clear my car in short segments up to 5 times for something that should have taken a few minutes and sleep for hours after.  I could actually not only push a shovel but grip the handle and lift heavy snow and toss it to the side. Much better than my adopted technique of trying to brush aside a path with my feet.

I found myself grinning from ear to ear from the sheer joy and gratitude of getting to clear off my car. I had energy and I wanted to use it! I went a little crazy a few times and decided to clear off my neighbours’ cars too.  Same with shovelling….I just kept going…because I could. There may have been a few appreciative happy dances beside my car, and several walks through fresh fallen snow with a huge grin on my face. And I did not chime in on the winter complaining…I became the annoying Susie Sunshine of Winter World.

I didn’t get to skate this winter – was still too wobbly for that. But the sheer JOY from digging my car out and shovelling made up for it. Sound crazy?  When everyday tasks are taken away, and you get them back, you will never moan about them again.  They are gifts of movement. They are gifts of strength. They are gifts of independence.

It’s April and everyone is expecting spring.  Yesterday was one of the first days in months that I was really energetic and walked normally all day – no back pain from overcompensating for my legs walking wobbly, no knees buckling, no feeling like my legs were jello, no sensory overload and my brain felt sharp.  Magical day all around.  I went to a movie and came out to a surprise snowfall. I grinned as I yet again cleared my car off. I thought it was a nice winter send off as I was standing on my strong legs, with my strong arms able to quickly clear off my car.  I am so excited for winter next year. Bring on skating. Bring on skiing. Bring on a hike in the snow. And bring on more car clearing. Bring on shovelling. I can’t wait.

 

 

I Climbed the Mountain & Reclaimed My 5K

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I’ve had a few days to reflect upon my Reclaim My 5K project – or race if you rather. I didn’t think I would go through so many emotions before, during and after one week of walking! I find the daily in’s and out’s of living with autoimmunity and gluten ataxia to be fascinating – on a mental, physical and spiritual level. Every time I think I can’t possibly reach another level of gratitude, of awe and wonder… and yes, frustration, I do.  Craziest roller coaster I have ever been on.

There is an amazing energy in reclaiming something that you feel has been taken away – not lost – taken away. I feel as though I have been staring up at the mountain I had planned to climb for several years and have been camped out at the base watching everyone else go up for a climb in the bright sunshine. Your brain never stopped wanting to climb. Your heart never stopped wanting to climb. Your soul never stopped wanting to climb. Your body just kept saying,”I still need to rest. Not ready yet.” And so you waited. And waited. And waited. And kept staring up that mountain. Day after day.

Liis on Life Reclaim My 5K

Rocking the KM’s with the help of GoodLife Fitness, Katie K Active (K1,3,5) & Reitmans (K2,4)

It felt really good to reclaim that mountain. I burst out crying several times leading up to Day 1. I just didn’t think I would ever get back to walking so far. I think if you saw me, you’d think I look perfectly normal, maybe even athletic. I felt alive on that first day and was in shock that I could have actually walked a little further. I felt like an athlete having the sponsorship of KatieK Active and Reitmans. Wearing their clothes made the physical aspect of simply walking slowly feel worthy and important. I felt valued as an athlete – regardless of my pace. Having them and GoodLife Fitness support me enthusiastically on this journey symbolically on a soul level meant…

You see me.

You see who I was.

You see who I am.

You see who I will be.

As each day went on, and I got another KM under my belt, something inside me was switching over from years of sitting in the energy of UNATTAINABLE  to the energy of ACCOMPLISHMENT. It was a monumental shift for me, a necessary shift. I realized how urgent it had be for me to make up a race, create this project and not wait for summer weather and an official race. It needed to be done NOW – in whatever form could happen NOW.

 

Liis on Life Reclaim My 5K

On the Reclaim My 5K finish line with Head Coach Momma Fran & my 1st place medal & trophy!

As the week went on, the support I received was incredible and I had tears reading comments from many people – some complete strangers. More than ever, it made me realize the importance of sharing our thoughts with each other, sending comments and encouragement to those we love and to those we have never met. This was so uplifting as I became completely exhausted during the week and my brain started shutting down. It’s like there is a pump and the more activity I do, the more it pumps the energy out of my brain. Legs need to work = brain loses power. This has been gradually improving thankfully.

I had sea legs every time I got off the treadmill and it would take several hours to calm my system down.  My gait went through several phases last week – I have to speak of them affectionately – the clomp, the little kid stomping through puddles, the wobble, the shuffle, the prancing horse. And just plain old herky-jerky. My dad always insisted it was a real expression, I begged to differ but have to agree, it describes my walking quite accurately now!

All unique.

All fascinating.

All aspects of me.

I got frustrated part way through the week because my brain started to slow down leading to complete brain fog, slurring of words and stuttering. It made putting up coherent posts on social media about the race quite challenging. I have agreed to do an important speech in June and I started to panic thinking simply walking for a few days may have jeopardized that. Being in uncharted health territory in which relapses have lasted for months,  sometimes the future unfolds like a mystery grab bag in which you don’t know what the contents are until you open it up.

I have to say though….Day 5 was sweet! Finishing what had eluded me for so long felt FANTASTIC. That 5th KM represented so much more than a physical accomplishment. It was a mental and spiritual victory after years of patience.  To have my mom there meant a lot. She has been with me every step of this journey hopping on airplanes with me trying to get a diagnosis and treatment, cheering me on when I would somehow get through live TV appearances and crumble after, and being right beside me on this roller coaster – for the exciting highs and the not-so-fun lows. My crew of cool babes Shelli, Lori-ann and my sister Cheryl rock for helping me all week – and always. My nieces and sister Karen sent along victory flowers and a card which made the end of the race even more special.

I pretty much stayed in bed all day after I finished and didn’t speak with anyone for 2 days. Or in Secret Op Code that I have with my friends to make light of the situation, I simply text: Going dark.  That means they know I need to decompress. I’m alive, but don’t call me because I can’t talk (because at some points, talking is as exhausting as movement). But here’s the magical part – the bounce back. My friends and family talked me through it…look how far you’ve come…look where you were this time last year…you’ll rebound faster this time…this will be a good test to see where you are after a few days of rest. They rock the party. Large. After several days of shuffling and walking into walls, I walked almost normally yesterday and even did a couple hours of shooting – IN HEELS!  (Wobbly, and standing in place, but in heels) Nice. Most importantly, my brain is sharp and focused today. Ideas are flowing. Creativity is firing. My brain and my body are acting as one. I see my June speech before me with no problems…but will make sure not to do a lot of walking leading up to it! And an all week Zumba marathon is not going to happen…

Liis on Life Reclaim My 5K

Race medal & trophy for Liis Your Feet Have Wings Windischmann

The trophy I bought myself reflects my feelings today. There is a running shoe with wings flying over a stopwatch. Time is not important. Speed is not important. My feet, my amazing, agile-in-whatever-form feet have wings to carry them and are flying over all of that. I am above that stopwatch running my own race. Running my way up that mountain. And it feels good.

To those of you on a similar journey…

I toast you for the slow and steady climb up whatever mountain has been eluding you.

I walk beside you on your journey of reclaiming a part of you that has been away for far too long.

I celebrate whatever stage you are at in restoring your health & happiness.

I honour your abilities whatever stage they are at.

I know your body is a masterpiece of beauty and perfection.

I’ve got this. You’ve got this. We’ve got this. Done. On to more mountains and adventures! #rockyourbody

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve Reclaimed Over Half of My 5K!

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I’m halfway there and then some! Insert happy dance here. I have been smiling all week but I am not going to lie…I could be in bed every night by 9:00! I guess I haven’t realized how many breaks I have been giving myself while out walking trying to build up my stamina. But I realized today how many gifts were in those breaks…

On my “race training circuit,” I’ve stopped to speak more often with people out walking their dogs, and played with lots of puppies. I’ve laughed out loud watching kids try to run around in their overstuffed winter coats and snow pants. I’ve snapped amazing winter photos and studied the lights and decor in trees. I’ve even meditated on the sunny days – lots of available benches in winter!

Liis Windischmann Reclaim My 5K

Reclaim My 5K – Race outfit Katie K Active

I met some lovely and encouraging women today at GoodLife Fitness​ who were asking about what I was up to. So nice to have their support! It was also nice to walk, talk and look sideways and not fall over! That is one of the side effects of gluten ataxia and I am happy that is no longer happening. I have already fallen off the treadmill….don’t really need it to happen again!

Liis Windischmann Reclaim My 5K

Reclaim My 5K – Race outfit Reitmans Hyba Activewear

I’ve had such amazing support from my friends and family and the community on social media!  Every comment leaves me grinning, several have moved me to tears and the encouragement from complete strangers is quite lovely. My amazing friend Shelli was my coach and photographer on Day 1 and my wonderful sister Cheryl has been out helping me reclaim the treadmill throughout the week. I laughed out loud listening to an incredible voice mail from my nieces and sister Karen wishing me well on my big race. That’s a keeper for sure! And my head coach?  That would have to be my mom Fran. She has literally been with me every step (wobbly or otherwise) of the way. She travelled with me to find a diagnosis and came with me to physiotherapy and let me cry on her shoulder many times.  She will be with me when I cross the “finish line.” I am one lucky woman.

With 3K down and 2 to go, I am simply thrilled this week is happening. Thrilled the inner and outer athlete have met up again. Thrilled to be in an energetic busy gym.  A big part of healing from gluten ataxia is being able to be in a busy environment without having system overload. Just going to a gym is an accomplishment – getting on the treadmill is an added bonus! Walking on that treadmill? Even bigger bonus! Thanks GoodLife Fitness!

Liis Windischmann Reclaim My 5K

Reclaim My 5K – Race outfit Katie K Active

Have to mention my amazing race outfits from Katie K Active​ and Reitmans’ Hyba Activewear line.  I greatly admire companies that know fitness comes in all shapes and sizes.  That’s really important to me!  I feel like a true athlete with their support. I look forward to following up on the pieces more after the race because I really must brag about how fun and fabulous they are! Keep catching them this week as I share photos from each leg of the race on Facebook and Instagram.

I have been excited to share this race with you because it’s for all of us who have had to reclaim something be it health related or otherwise. I am glad to be on this journey with you and look forward to being a part of your race one day, whatever that race may be. I will be cheering you on!

See you at the finish line!

Psst! Katie K Active has extended a race discount to my tribe. Until April 30th, enter code LOL15 for a $15 credit towards an order of $25 or more (cannot be combined with other offers, sale items or used for gift cards).